The Bet

by sweetytweety8

David: Say something, will you? Or cat got your tongue?
That must be the luckiest cat of all those among.

Maddie: No! I won't say a word, I won't make a sound.
I'll just go in my office, silently walking around.

David: Look at the steam rising off that chair!
There must be somebody pretty hot sitting there.

What do you suppose could have gotten that somebody so hot
To make them look so steamy like a burning pot?

Couldn't have been that they walked in on a moment of fun and frolic here.
Right? Cause that just couldn't be the only reason why they leer.

Nah. Nobody could be that self-involved, that humorless and boring.
Because if that's the only reason then that would be worrying.

Maddie: Fun and frolic? Is that what you call this?
David: Magic and mirth, thrills and spills, love and laughter? Something I miss?

Maddie: You think this is funny? Because I definitely do not!
David: I sure am trying, but that's all I got.

Maddie: What if I've been a client and walked in on that band of zombies we call employees doing a revival of Zulu? What would I have thought?
David: What is that man doing on the floor having sex with himself? Judging by the look on your face, I guess not.

Maddie: Addison, this is not a joke,
So, stop doing it, unless you want a poke.

David: This is: a ninety-year-old man walks into a sperm bank.
Do you know it? Wanna fill out the blank?

Maddie: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
I don't wanna hear the rest of it!

David, just stop all of this! Stop it, don't boast!
Because do you know what hurts the most?

David: Yeah, sure Maddie. Of course, I know.
You get a pimple on the inside of your nose, then you get a cold and you gotta blow.

Maddie: You see, David. That's exactly what I mean!
David: And people say we're not alike. Don't listen to 'em. They're just mean.

Maddie: What hurts most is that you are exactly the same person you were when I walked in here seven months ago.
You haven't changed or grown up even a bit. No, you're even below!

David: That's why these clothes still fit.
'Cause I haven't changed even a bit.

You know, Maddie, some people are late-bloomers,
So, please don't mock me or tell any rumors.

Maddie: I have made an effort to loosen up, to relax. To let my hair down.
To smile more often, enjoy life, and never let myself frown.

David: Yeah, you're right, Maddie. I knew a guy who used to frown a lot.
And do you know what happened? He froze that way right on the spot.

Maddie: When you work with someone, you have to accept their style, hope that they'll accept yours, as well.
So, I tried to find some middle ground with you and not dwell.

David: Sounds reasonable, that's for sure.
Don't dwell on things. I don't, I can reassure.

Maddie: What hurts most is that I have done all the changing, all the accepting, and you didn't do a thing.
I brought a peace between us with so many compromises, and what did you bring?

David: You know, it's not just a coincidence or fate,
I brought you myself and the agency on a silver plate.

Maddie: I've become more easygoing, more jovial, more devil-may-care.
And what did you do? Nothing! David, that's just not fair!

David: Yeah, you're a regular Jan Murray.
But I gotta go now, I am in a hurry.

Maddie: Addison, come back here, I'm not through haranguing yet.
Addison! Come back or I'll kill you, and that's not just a threat!

You walked out of my office! I was in the middle of talking to you and you walked out.
Why the hell did you do it? What was that all about?

David: You got it, Sherlock. Now I'd appreciate it if you return the favor and walk out of mine.
And if you don't make such a fuss about it, that would be just fine.

Maddie: You're angry? Is that what this is about?
Is that the reason you sit here and pout?

Let's get one thing straight, bub.
Those people are supposed to be working here, this is not some limboing club!

And I am supposed to be angry, not the other way around!
So don't complain about it, don't even make a sound!

David: Oh, really? And what did I do wrong?
Maddie: You encouraged them, and you even sang a song!

David: I have a much higher purpose than you think.
Maddie: Tell me. I am holding my breath, can't even blink!

David: I was trying to raise spirits. And do you know why?
Maddie: I can barely stand the suspense. Tell me or I'll just die!

David: You have unhappy employees, Miss Hayes. They're sad.
This is no longer a fun place to work and they're mad.

Maddie: Oh, my goodness! How will I sleep now?!
To make them happy was my only aim and vow!

David: Maddie, they were gonna leave, walk out, resign.
Maddie: And you stopped them? David, that's crossing the line!

David: They're still here, aren't they?
You can thank me later. Any hour, any day.

Maddie: Addison, there's something I have to say.
I can't take it anymore. I can't work this way!

David: I read an article about it, and I know it may sound strange,
But why don't you try working up for a change?

Maddie: Addison, that's not what I mean.
I need a partner on whom I can lean.

David: You can lean on me all you want, touch if you dare.
If that's all you wish from me then I can take care.

Maddie: You put things in my mouth, things I have never said.
You always make up something, a new meaning you embed.

David: Did you say in bed, or did I hear you wrong?
But if you really mean it, then I'll come along.

And if you don't like me putting words in your mouth,
I can put something else somewhere south.

Maddie: See? You are a sexist just like I said!
David: Why? Cause I said I want you in bed?!

Maddie: You are an animal, eye crust, navel lint! You have the character of a slug!
You have the morals of a rabbit and the brains of a platypus, but you're always so smug!

David: Stop right there, you are making me blush.
Your lewd remarks are giving me such a rush.

Maddie: Your childish behavior proves what I was gonna say.
David: Oh, so you were going to say something? No way!

Maddie: I need a partner who’s a mature adult, and you are not,
And I've gotta tell you that I've been thinking about it a lot.

David: I know. I could see smoke rising from your brain even from here.
Maddie: Why did I think you can be an adult? You're not even mere!

David: I can show you something to prove you're wrong.
No, it's not what you think, Maddie. It's thick and long.

You see, that's body hair, and I got it all over the place,
And I can show you some more, if don't make a face.

Maddie: You don't care about me or about anything at all.
Why do I bother, it's like I am talking to the wall!

David: Chill for a second, will ya? You are so serious.
You don't need to be so imperious.

I know you want me to act mature and be wise,
So, if you want me to apologize, I apologize.

Maddie: No, I don't want an apology. I want you to change.
David: I think I heard you wrong. That's kind of strange.

Maddie: I want you to change! That's what I said.
I'll wait a minute till the thought enters your head.

David: Don't you worry, kid, they enter pretty fast.
Maddie: Really? Could be, but they surely don't last.

David, you encourage those people out there,
Whether you can't see it, or you just don't care.

You set an example for each one of them,
And you wanna know what kind of example. Hm?

David: I have a feeling you'll tell me, anyway,
No matter what I do or say.

Maddie: Life's a carnival. Work's a party.
Nothing else matters, just to be hearty.

David, that is definitely not an adult attitude,
But I guess I can't change something with such a big latitude.

David: Well, I'm an adult, and that is my attitude.
And if you want, I can show you how big is my latitude.

Maddie: I was dreaming! You can't do what I want you to do.
I can't change anything. Red is red, and blue will be blue.

You are who you are, and I am who I am, and the only solution is dissolution.
David: Wait a second, "dissolution"? What is that? Brooklyn for "this solution"?

Maddie: No, that's Maddie for "I can't go on this way!"
You are driving me nuts! Okay?

David: Not that I want to flaunt,
But I'll do anything. So, what do you want?

Maddie: I don't think you can do it. It's not possible.
David: I can do anything, even the impossible.

Maddie: Really? I don't wanna insult,
But I highly doubt you can act like adult.

David: What kind of statement is that? Of course, I can.
I can do anything, 'cause I am a real mature man.

Maddie: I bet you can't be mature for one week.
David: What kind of bet is that? Stupid and weak.

Maddie: So, you accept? Are you sure you can?
You sound like an all-words-and-no-action man.

David: If it’s action you want, action you'll get.
For you, I am always ready and set.

Maddie: I meant for the bet. Don't play dumber than you are.
You always take your jokes way too far.

David: Okay, you got it. I am in.
So how much do I get if I win?

Maddie: Don't worry, you couldn't win.
So, knock off your face that stupid grin.

David: On the outside chance that I get lucky, how much do I get?
And I mean how much money for the bet.

You should note that I didn't say anything dirty or lewd,
And I didn't mention I want to see you in your birthday suit.

I didn't use get lucky in different meaning,
And I didn't say anything demeaning.

Maddie: How about three thousand dollars? Is that enough?
David: Three grand? Are you joking? Is that a bluff?

Maddie: Three thousand dollars to watch the impossible? We have a bet,
And I guarantee that I will win this without breaking a sweat.

I think that's a bargain. Is it a wager or not?
Do you wanna try and find out? Give it a shot?

David: A wager? Oh, this is gonna be grand larceny, kid.
Are you sure that this is gonna be your final bid?

Maddie: Yes, I am sure. This is gonna be a piece of cake.
But what about you? Do you realize what is at stake?

David: Yes, I do. And if it's maturity you want, maturity you will get.
From now on, I'm going to be a regular Lawrence Welk just for the bet.

I'll tie my shoes and wear long pants if that's what you want from me.
I'll do whatever you want me to do, and that's how it's gonna be.

Maddie: No, Mr. Addison, that's not what I mean by mature,
But I doubt that for your childish behavior there's any cure.

David: And what do you mean by mature?
Do tell, Miss Hayes, I adjure.

Maddie: There are a few rules to follow when we go out on a case.
No, actually they apply for you everywhere we go, in every single place.

We conduct ourselves as though at the end of fourth grade we got promoted and not left back.
Are you following my thought, keeping my track?

David: No. What do you mean?
Just say it nice and clean.

Maddie: No more fast-talking jive, like you are on a race,
And if you slow down a bit, you'll lose the first place.

None of that hip-hop slop you call English.
David: Yeah. Whatever. English-menglish.

Is that all? Are we all set?
That's all you want for the bet?

Maddie: No! It's like we've never met.
We haven't even scratched the surface yet!

I couldn't care less if bears bear or bees be,
Or about any other stupid thing that you share with me.

I don't really care if ducks duck or cows moo.
You just shut your big mouth and feel free to use glue.

David: Wait a second, wait a second. You should back up.
I don't remember saying anything about a cow. You just made it up.

Now you're the one putting words in my mouth, kid.
And I'd rather you put something else there, but you'd forbid.

Maddie: David, you use your mouth only to abuse.
David: You are right. I can put it into a better use.

Maddie: Which reminds me what's about to come.
David: You mean me when I am near you? Hum?

Maddie: No more of your lewd remarks and dirty suggestions!
David: Wait a minute then. I have a few questions.

Is this about you or your whole gender?
'Cause if it's just about you, I could be tender.

Maddie: You don't stand a chance, you are so gonna lose!
And right now, I don't wanna be in your shoes.

David: You're right. I don't want that as well.
I'd rather you'd be in my pants, and so do you, I can tell.

But anyway, Maddie, would you be so kind
To tell me what else do you have in mind?

Maddie: Set an example for the employees. For every single one.
Which means no more limboing and no more fun.

David: Again, with the employees? I gotta tell you, they love me, honey,
And they do it just because I am smart and funny.

Maddie: They're underworked, overpaid, and have Murray the K for a boss.
So, I hope you can see just how big is our loss.

Which reminds me… No more singing for you,
So, I'd better go and just take the glue.

David: Say what? I think I heard you wrong
When you forbid me to sing a song.

Maddie: I think you heard me right.
One doo-wop and you lose. All right?

David: Aren't we cutting it a little deep here?
We're going beyond the perimeters of the bet, I fear.

Now we are getting into the essence of my personality, my soul.
And not just some bits and parts of it, but the whole.

Maddie: That's not personality, that's an affliction!
David: Did you just say that I am an addiction?

Maddie: What do you say? You don't wanna bet?
But tell me, do you accept or refuse the bet?

David: No, Maddie, I just can't do it. You are going too far. No way.
Maddie: You took the words out of my mouth. That's exactly what I was gonna say.

David: Then open up, I'll put them back just to save,
Though I'd rather put something else there, since we're on that wave.

Maddie: David, I assure you that you are not very funny,
But tell me what do you want for the bet. More money?

David: If you gonna stop me from singing, we have to raise the stakes.
So, tell me, Miss Hayes, are you willing to do whatever it takes?

And no, I don't want any more money.
I am after something that really matters, honey.

Maddie: Keep dreaming, Addison. Because that will happen when pigs start flying,
Or when you are the last person on earth and I am on my deathbed, dying.

David: Oh, Miss Hayes, how childish and immature,
But I guess for your dirty mind there is no cure.

Everything to you is sex, sex, sex, kid.
You think about it all the time, but to me you forbid?

You're self-righteous with me, but don't you dare,
Because, Miss Hayes, that's not very fair.

Maddie: What do you want me to think when you act that way?
You came so close and looked at me like I am your prey.

David: I'm after something that really matters, Miss Hayes.
Something I've been dreaming about for so many days.

Maddie: And what is that? What do you mean?
Would you just tell me and come clean?

David: Oh, if I come, honey, it won't be very clean,
But when I think of it, that's not what you mean.

Maddie: Would you just stop with your taunt,
And finally tell me, what do you want?

David: To see someone like you, someone so refined,
Lose her own dignity, that's what I have in mind.

Maddie: Excuse me? What did you just say?
David: Limbo, Maddie. And you are excused, by the way.

Maddie: David, you are insane.
David: Maddie, you are so vain.

Come on, how low can you go?
Take the bet just for the show.

Maddie: And what do I get? Just say it clean.
David: What do you get?! What do you mean?

Maddie: When you lose, what do I get, kid?
Make me an offer. What is your bid?

David: Moi, and I am more than enough,
Especially if you're looking for a hot stuff.

Maddie: The whole thing or just your head on a platter?
When I think about it, it doesn't really matter.

David: Maddie you're losing your grip, and I haven't even had a chance to sample it yet.
So, would you just calm down and think for the bet?

Maddie: Fine, three thousand dollars and I limbo. Let's have it your way.
David: I've been dreaming to hear you say these words day after day.

Maddie: But you'll have to lay off every unnecessary employee when you lose.
David: Oh, no. No way, Maddie. I can't do it. I refuse.

Maddie: We'll give them severance pay, good recommendations, but you have to fire them.
David: What did you do? Get up on the wrong side of the rack? Why are you so glum?

Maddie: So, tell me, do we have a bet or not?
David: Yeah, you bet we do. Let's give it a shot.

Maddie: Shake. I meant let's shake hands, not what you did.
David: Sorry, I just had to get that last one out of my system, kid.

Wait a second, shake hands, that's all? I don't see the appeal.
If you want, we can do something else in order to seal the deal.

Maddie: No, thanks. I am good. I think I'll pass.
David: Nice and shy, you're my kind of lass.