I Need a Hero

Monday, November 23, 1987

‘I need a hero!
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night.
He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast,
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight…
I need a hero!’

Bonne Tyler’s voice exploded passionately out of the radio as David and Maddie sat in the car one night on a stakeout. It was late and they were both tired, and they were running out of topics of conversation. 

David made a face at the radio.

‘No, you don’t. Women don’t really want a hero!’ He was uncharacteristically vehement.

‘And how do you know what women really want? How many heroes do you know, anyway?’

‘Well it might interest you to know, Ms. Hayes, that I do know a few real life heroes.’

‘And they couldn’t find women?’

‘Not so much that, but…’

He stretched out in his seat.

‘You know that guy who saved the Nakatomi Plaza? You know it, it’s in Century City. We drive by it sometimes? I know him from New York. He was a cop there at the time, but he’d come to L.A. for Christmas to try and patch things up with his wife. They were having problems. She’d made a career move here, and she was working with this Japanese multinational. You remember how a bunch of terrorists were holding the employees there hostage, right?

‘Anyway, this McClane guy singlehandedly saves the day. He walks around barefoot on broken glass. He goes up and down, riding in elevator shafts – on top of the elevator, mind you, not inside it. He gets shot at by a bunch of very bad guys, he stares death right in the face, not just once, but over and over. And he somehow, miraculously, saves the day. He saves the building, he saves this bunch of hostages, he saves his wife. This guy IS a frickin’ hero, Maddie! Just like Bonnie Tyler says. 

‘And what does his wife do? Does she appreciate him? Does she spend the rest of her life going, ‘Oh, Johnny, what would I do without you?’ Nope, they eventually get a divorce.’

Maddie sat silent for a moment. 

‘He cared enough about her to risk his life for her, and they still couldn’t work things out? You’re right, that does stink.

‘So maybe being a hero isn’t enough, David? ‘Maybe women need a man they can actually talk to, someone they can be vulnerable with, and who will open up to them as well.’

Maddie glanced meaningfully at David. He was oblivious, staring straight ahead out of the windscreen.

‘You think dames like sensitive men? That’s a load of crap, it’s just something you women say so that you can feel better about yourselves. You think that if you like sensitive men, that makes you, you know, sensitive women, really modern women, that you’re not actually really that attracted to cave men types.’

He held up his finger.

‘Let me tell you about my friend, Paul. He’s from New York, too. Very, very successful lawyer. Anyway, he started dating this really hot chick, Rachel – and the way he got to know her, it was pretty weird, she used to actually be married to the guy who was dating Paul’s daughter at the time.

‘Paul had to raise his daughter alone, her mother had died when she was just a little baby.’

‘Oh,’ breathed Maddie.

‘Yeah, he got that a lot.

‘That dude’s name’s Ross. What kind of a dorky name is that, right?

‘Anyway, this Rachel, she was really something else. Incredibly gorgeous, long blonde hair, fabulous figure, and loads of fun.  And she was telling him, let’s talk, let’s get to know each other better, tell me about your childhood.

‘And so he starts telling her. Everything that ever happened in his life, how his father never hugged him and how his mother stifled him and how the other kids used to bully him and…

‘And the floodgates open, literally open, and he’s weeping in her arms, he feels so safe there and he just can’t stop talking and crying.

‘And you know what happens? She dumps him! This beautiful blonde chick just dumps his ass. She calls him a ‘weeper’!’

‘So don’t tell me that chicks want sensitive guys. That’s the last thing they want!’

Maddie remained silent for a time. 

*****

‘None of your friends could make a go of it?’

David brightened. ‘Well there is this one guy, his name is Dallas.’

‘That’s a weird name.’

‘He used to be a major in the air force, then when he caught his wife cheating on him he just gave it all up. He became a cab driver in Brooklyn.

‘Anyway one day while he’s driving his cab, it’s the weirdest thing, this girl just crashes right through the roof. Not crash like a car crash, no, she crashes right through the roof of his cab. And she’s very scantily dressed, just a few strategically placed bandages around her. Not that she’s injured or anything.’

He demonstrated with his hands just how scanty those bandages were, and just how strategically they were placed. 

‘She speaks hardly any English at all, and when she does speak, she says she is the perfect being, she’s sent to save the universe. I have to say, I thought she was a little weird. Stringy orange hair, she’s a little ditsy. She’s some illegal alien, I guess. She does learn to speak English pretty quickly. And wouldn’t you know it, this is the woman that Dallas falls for.’

‘Uh huh.’ Maddie looked very unimpressed.

‘And another friend of mine, his name’s Butch, you might have heard of him, he was a boxer in LA. He actually killed his opponent in a fight.’

Maddie looked horrified.

‘Anyway his girlfriend is French, her name’s Fabienne, I think. This Fabienne isn’t really the brightest bulb in the box – well I don’t suppose Butch is, either – but Butch is just such a softie with her. He calls her ‘jelly beans’ and ‘sugar pop’. You wouldn’t believe it, coming from such a tough guy. And I guess those were the two relationships which actually lasted.’

Maddie sighed dramatically.

‘Great. The only two relationships which lasted – among your circle of friends – were with women who weren’t really all that bright.

‘Don’t men appreciate brains at all, David? Someone they can have an intelligent conversation with? What about strength of character? Integrity?’

David looked at her.

‘Well, of course that’s the minimum we want to start with, Maddie. But I guess what we really want is simple appreciation. I mean, no offense, but we can get that intellectual conversation from any of our friends if we really want it. But that feeling when a woman thinks we’re really something special? That she needs us, that we actually make a difference in her life? There’s nothing like that feeling, Maddie.

‘And let’s be honest, I really don’t think that any one guy can be everything. I mean I don’t see how one guy can be really strong and handsome and macho, like the hero type, and be smart and still be sensitive enough for the ladies. I don’t think that kind of guy exists outside of movies.’

He turned towards Maddie, something of a challenge in his gaze. She was looking away from him, out of her window.

‘Well, you know, there is this one guy….’

David’s eyes lit up, and he shifted expectantly in his seat.

‘His name’s Sam…’

*****

David blinked at her.

‘You actually know someone who ticks all the boxes? He’s smart, successful, good-looking, and brave? The all-in-one package?’

‘Well, yes, I’ve known him all my life. We actually used to be together when I was in college.

He’s a Yale graduate, an astrophycist actually. He’s got a patent for some invention. He’s an astronaut now with NASA, doing space missions. He keeps mentioning that he’ll come out here to L.A. to catch up.’

David stared at Maddie. His mind seemed completely boggled, and the only thing he could utter was:

‘You actually know a spaceman, Maddie?’

She glared at him. ‘I didn’t comment about your friends, did I?’

He shook his head. ‘Do you always have to one-up me, Maddie? I know the hero of Nakatomi Plaza, but you know Buck Rogers?’

Maddie looked daggers at him, then unexpectedly her lips twitched. She fluffed her hair and examined her nails in mock boredom.

‘Yes, that’s me. I always was an overachiever.’

David relaxed a little bit, then he said carefully:

‘What happened before? Why didn’t it work out with him?’

She shrugged.

‘We were never in the same place for too long.’

‘And no one was motivated enough to make it work?’

Maddie shifted a little uncomfortably. ‘Sometimes things just don’t work out, right?’

‘You ever regretted it?’

‘Well, he’s had my phone number all these years, he could have called me any time, right? I don’t know, David, I guess a woman likes a man to work for her, you know? I mean how much does he want to be with me if he can’t even call or come over?’

She sounded peevish, rather than sad.

They sat in silence for a few moments, and Bonnie Tyler’s voice, full of yearning, filled the car.

Every now and then I get a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by.

David looked over at Maddie in the dark. His voice was had gone soft and deep.

‘What do women really want, Maddie?’

She lay her head back on the headrest.

‘We want to feel special, I guess. Not empty flattery, but pure appreciation. For ourselves, not just our looks. We want to feel that we’re worth the effort.’

‘And if a man doesn’t tick all the boxes? What then, Maddie?’

She took a moment to consider his question, then shook her head slowly.

‘It’s so confusing, isn’t it? I mean my mom tells me there’s no perfect man. And on the other hand, all those women’s magazines I used to model for, they’re all telling us to maintain our standards, don’t compromise on our happiness.’

David bit his lip.

‘I actually agree with those magazines, Maddie. Absolutely don’t compromise on your happiness. But you just need to know what you want.’

All her frustrations overflowed.

‘I don’t know what I want! All the men who seem to be a good fit for me, they – they just bore me to death, David. They’re all so smug, like I should be so grateful to be with them. Or they try too hard, they just agree with everything I say, no matter how far out it is.

‘And when I do find myself with a man who does interest me, someone who actually listens to what I have to say –‘

Maddie stopped abruptly and folded her arms. Her mouth was set in a thin, tense line. 

‘Maddie… you’re thirty-six. I’m sure you’ve met a lot of men in your life. I guess by this time you should have some idea of what you want….and what you don’t want.’

‘And do you know what you want, David?’

Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
And then I see the look in your eyes.

He gave her his gentle lopsided smile, and tenderly tucked a tendril of hair behind her ear..

‘I have a pretty good idea, Maddie.’

I don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark,
We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.

His eyes were dark green oceans, and Maddie was spiralling endlessly inside them.

I really need you tonight.
Forever’s gonna start tonight.
Forever’s gonna start tonight.

"Holding Out for a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler

"Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler