Fontasy Football
Wednesday, July 6, 1988
(The episode begins in the outer office, where O'Neill is getting ready for his upcoming, all-expenses-paid seminar in Las Vegas. Jergenson and Simmons surround the desk, and Jergenson spots the yellow football in one of its open drawers. He grabs it up and begins tossing it back and forth between hands.)
O'NEILL: Hi, you guys. I’m packing my stuff.
JERGENSON: Already? You aren’t going to Vegas till next week.
O'NEILL: I know, but I want to make sure I don’t forget anything. Not this time.
SIMMONS: What’s so special about this time?
O'NEILL: Well, it was nice of Mr. Addison to have Blue Moon pay for the trip and class, especially with him helming the ship alone right now.
(Jergenson’s focus shifts to the football in his hands.)
JERGENSON: Come on, you guys. One game of touch football before O'Neill skips town.
(He tosses the ball to Simmons.)
SIMMONS: We better not. Agnes will get mad.
JERGENSON: No, she won’t. She’s out picking up supplies for the steak lunch Mr. Addison is serving us today. (To Simmons) Set it up again.
(Simmons sets it back up, and Jergenson makes another throw. MacGilicuddy appears out of nowhere and grabs it.)
MACGILICUDDY: And MacGilicuddy THRILLS, as always, with the interception.
(MacGilicuddy tosses the ball back to Jergenson, who waves Simmons back. Jergenson throws the ball, but it goes further than intended, spiraling towards the front office window. Both O'Neill and Simmons dive for it and get caught up in each other. O'Neill catches the ball, but his momentum sends him crashing into the front office window and leaves a spider web of cracks spread across it.)
O'NEILL: Oh, no!
MACGILICUDDY: This is worse than the time you guys broke Miss Hayes’ favorite vase.
SIMMONS: She always says don’t play ball in the office.
(NOTE: Maddie was never actually known to say this. Perhaps she mentioned it off-camera.)
O'NEILL: I’ll be grounded. There goes my Vegas trip.
(The scene fades.)
*****
(The guys are examining the shattered window and ruined “Blue Moon Investigations” signage.)
O'NEILL: Boy, I can just hear Mr. Addison now. Back in the day, he’d totally understand and help me take care of this. But now? He just got the company books back in order. The cost of this window and signage will not make him happy. I’m going to get it for sure.
SIMMONS: Good-bye, Vegas trip.
MACGILICUDDY: Wait a minute, maybe not.
O'NEILL: What do you mean?
(They step out into the hallway and close the door to keep their conversation private.)
MACGILICUDDY: You’d have to tell Mr. Addison, Agnes, or Viola in order to face up to this, right?
O'NEILL: Yeah, so?
MACGILICUDDY: Well, Mr. Addison’s been busy with Lamaze classes and working cases out in the field, right?
O'NEILL: Uh huh.
MACGILICUDDY: Viola’s been laser focused on plant-sitting, and I think I can handle Agnes. So, suppose you don’t tell anyone right away. Suppose we keep it quiet until one of us lets it slip next week while you're gone.
O'NEILL: I’ll still be punished when I get back, but I’ll get to go to Vegas.
MACGILICUDDY: Right.
SIMMONS: Well, they’ll see that it’s broken.
MACGILICUDDY: Not if we get it replaced. Look, we can close the blinds to hide it from the inside, and we can take turns keeping watch in the hallway to distract anyone from seeing it on their way in from the outside.
SIMMONS: Neat-o!
O'NEILL: That’s a great idea! You guys are sure swell co-workers!
MACGILICUDDY: We just have to make it through the next couple days and keep this thing a secret till Monday.
INEZ (approaching from down the hallway, carrying a portable electric grill): I won’t tell anybody. I’m very good at keeping secrets. Ask anybody.
MACGILICUDDY (fuming): I guess it will have to be all right.
SIMMONS: As long as she doesn’t say anything.
JAMIE (stepping out through the door with Kris): About what?
KRIS: Look! MacGilicuddy broke the Blue Moon glass!
MACGILICUDDY: I didn’t break it.
O'NEILL: I did.
SIMMONS: But he’s not telling till later.
INEZ: Till after he comes back from his Vegas trip. Until then, it’s a secret.
(They all crowd around the window and just soak it in for a minute.)
MACGILICUDDY: Come on, you guys. Help me measure this window and look up the glass company for the replacement. If anyone else finds out, it won’t be a secret anymore.
*****
(Later on, Agnes approaches from down the hallway with a box of dinnerware and cleaning supplies in hand, including glass cleaner. MacGilicuddy is standing in the doorway and whispers to Kris, who is the nearest one to him inside the office.)
MACGILICUDDY: It’s Agnes, with glass cleaner! Spread the word. I’ll cover defense.
(MacGilicuddy positions himself between the window and Agnes as she approaches. Kris moves quickly inside the office to tell Inez and Jamie.)
KRIS: Agnes is here… with glass cleaner!
INEZ: Oh no!
JAMIE: What if she wants to clean the office entrance?
(MacGilicuddy does his best to obstruct Agnes’ view of the glass as she makes her way into the office, but she is so focused on the contents of the box she is carrying that she probably would have walked right past the broken window without noticing it, anyway.)
MACGILICUDDY: Good morning, Agnes. May I help you with that?
AGNES: Sure, thank you. (She hands MacGilicuddy the box as they make their way into the office.) Is Mr. Addison back with the steaks yet? I want to get everything ready for his special “thank you” lunch.
MACGILICUDDY: I haven’t seen him at all today.
DAVID: You rang? (David appears from within his own office, surprising everyone.)
AGNES: Mr. Addison!
MACGILICUDDY (nervously): How long have you been here?
DAVID: Since early this morning. I had an 8:00 AM appointment and then got tied up on a phone call with another client, so I haven't been able to make the steak run yet. (Looking around at the empty office) Where is everybody?
MACGILICUDDY: I guess the guys are out getting side dishes for the lunch.
DAVID: Well, that accounts for half the silence. What about the rest of them?
MACGILICUDDY: Well, the girls are… (Inez and Jamie come out from Maddie’s office, carrying a folding table between them.) Here come two of the thundering herd now. (He walks away.) Every man for himself.
INEZ and JAMIE (in unison): Good morning, Mr. Addison.
DAVID: Hi.
(They give him a big hug.)
DAVID: That’s quite a greeting. I assume the table is for the lunch spread?
INEZ: Yes. It’s one of two.
DAVID: I know just the place for them. How about inside the front door? We can make a buffet line along the entryway.
JAMIE: Uh, okay. We’ll put them right there.
DAVID: Let me help you.
MACGILICUDDY (fearing that David will see the window): Oh no, Mr. Addison. I can help the ladies. Why don’t you just rest up in your office before lunch. We want our esteemed chef to be at the top of his game.
DAVID (looking a bit curious): That's very considerate of you, MacGilicuddy, but there's no time to rest for me. I have a couple more calls to make before I head out for the steaks.
MACGILICUDDY: Of course! The steaks!
DAVID: Just be careful with those tables. I've gone a round or two with them and still have a scar to show for it.
INEZ: Will do.
JAMIE: Thanks for the warning.
(Jamie, Inez, and MacGilicuddy surround, lift, and begin moving the table towards the entryway.)
DAVID (on his way back to his office): Thank you for the help.
*****
(The next scene has the guys at the glass company, ordering the replacement window.)
CLERK: This is the best glass we got, guys.
O'NEILL: Is it good for office interior windows?
CLERK: Is it good for office interior windows? It’s top of the line for that very purpose.
O'NEILL (looking at the glass): Yeah.
CLERK: Any other questions?
JERGENSON: What about the company logo, mister?
CLERK: What about the company logo, mister? Does this look like a sign company?
JERGENSON (checking it out): No.
CLERK: Then you’re on your own for the logo.
SIMMONS: We need the logo.
CLERK: Surely, you’ve got on file the company that provided the original logo.
O'NEILL: Yeah, we probably do. How soon can you install the glass? (He hands the clerk money.)
CLERK: Well, I need to cut it to specs and line up the crew. You’re looking at the end of next week.
O'NEILL: We really need this done ASAP.
SIMMONS: Like today, if possible.
CLERK: Impossible.
(The guys all reach into their respective pockets and wallets and produce handfuls of cash.)
JERGENSON: Impossible?
CLERK: If you can stick around while I cut down the glass, and then haul it back to your office yourselves, I can have someone out there in about an hour to install it.
O'NEILL: Perfect, thank you! (Turning to Jergenson and Simmons) Now we just need to call the girls and see if one of them can track down the sign company. With a minor miracle, we could have this project all wrapped up before Mr. Addison’s lunch.
*****
(Back at the office, the guys have smuggled the new pane of glass down the hallway and leaned it carefully against the wall outside the Blue Moon entrance. Inside, Agnes notices that they all enter the office at the same time… empty-handed.)
AGNES: Hello, boys.
O'NEILL: Agnes!
SIMMONS: Oh, no!
(O'Neill shushes him.)
JERGENSON: Hi, Agnes.
ANGES: I thought you guys went out to get side dishes. Mr. Addison finally left to pick up the steaks.
JERGENSON: Well, not exactly, we…
O'NEILL: We did, but they were all sold out.
AGNES: Sold out? Of everything we could serve as a side dish?
SIMMONS: Yeah, well. We were looking for something pretty special.
AGNES: Like what?
JERGENSON: Well, actually, a…
O'NEILL: A corn popper.
JERGENSON: That’s right, for popping corn.
AGNES: That was the best idea all three of you could come up with for a side dish? And no one had one?
O'NEILL: Well, I was looking for a specific model. A travel-size corn-popper. I thought I’d take it with me on my Vegas trip.
AGNES: Do they make a travel-size corn-popper? It would have to be pretty small.
O'NEILL: It only pops a few kernels at a time.
(Simmons nods and smiles.)
AGNES: How ingenious. (She gets suspicious) Come on fellas, what’s up?
O'NEILL: Nothing, Agnes.
SIMMONS: Yeah, nothing at all.
JERGENSON: Nothing at all.
AGNES: Well, if you say so.
JERGENSON: Well, we’d better get back to work.
AGNES: Yeah, and I’d better head out and try to find some real side dishes.
SIMMONS: Sorry, Agnes.
AGNES: That’s okay. I’ll let you know if I find a travel-size corn-popper for you.
O'NEILL: Ugh… thanks, Agnes.
*****
(An hour later, the glass installers have finished their work, and both the men and women gather around it in awe.)
INSTALLER #1 (packing up the last of his tools): There you go, folks.
MACGILICUDDY: It’s perfect. Thank you for getting this done so quickly. We’ve got a big lunch planned, and we want everything to be just right.
INSTALLER #2: Now all you need is the signage. Good luck with that.
O'NEILL: Yeah… thanks.
(The installers disappear down the hallway, and the guys turn immediately to the girls.)
MACGILICUDDY: So, what’s the word from the sign company?
KRIS: The company who did the logo can’t make it out here until next week, but I think we have a workaround. We took a Polaroid of the old window before maintenance hauled it away, and Inez is a bit of an artist…
*****
(The girls are gathered inside the office entrance window, where the blinds are pulled up and Inez puts the finishing touches on her meticulously hand-repainted “Blue Moon Investigations” logo.)
INEZ (to Jamie): Wet rag. (Jamie hands her the wet rag, and Inez wipes a few smudges away from the edge of the logo.) Dry rag.
(Kris steps out through the door to join SIMMONS in seeing what is happening in the hallway.)
SIMMONS: All clear. Mr. Addison is still out, and Agnes hasn’t gotten back yet either.
KRIS: What about Viola?
SIMMONS: I just called to wake him up from his nap after another long night of plant-sitting. He’ll be here in about a half-hour with an industrial-sized crock-pot of his Nonni’s legendary eggplant Caponata.
(Cut back to Inez and Jamie inside the doorway. MacGilicuddy approaches and offers an approving whistle as Inez’s work.)
INEZ: There, that should do it.
JAMIE (stepping in and out of the door to see what it looks like both inside and out): I don’t know how you can do that so perfectly… on the inside… backwards.
INEZ: It was just safer this way. Anyone we’re trying to hide this from would be approaching from the outside. I had to work on it in here.
JAMIE: How long will it take to dry?
MACGILICUDDY: Uh, I don’t know. (He picks up one of the paint tubes to check) it says (he gets dismayed) 2 to 4 hours.
INEZ: And probably longer on this glass. This really isn’t a permanent solution.
O'NEILL (approaching from behind): It just needs to last through the end of the week.
INEZ: We’d better clean up around here and let it dry.
JAMIE: Okay.
*****
(Later, Agnes is preparing side dishes on the tables inside the entrance as Bert arrives struggling to transport a ridiculously oversized, stainless steel, and apparently VERY full crockpot.)
BERT: Hi, Agnes. (He sits the crockpot on the table nearest the door, conveniently blocking view of the freshly painted logo.)
AGNES: Um, hi. Potato peeler?
BERT: Oh, yes. (And from his jacket pocket, he presents the peeler.)
AGNES: Thank you, I’m running out of fingers to nick.
AGNES (noticing the crockpot): Oh, that crockpot is gigantic. Is all that just for this office?
BERT: Well, when the aroma of Nonni’s legendary Caponata hits the air vents, I figured I better have enough on hand to serve the entire building. Blue Moon gets to wade in first, though.
(Agnes laughs.)
*****
(David joins Bert, Agnes, and the Wobblies at the buffet line. David notices the girls staring towards the window, which is largely obstructed by Bert’s enormous crockpot.)
DAVID: What are you staring at?
INEZ: Uh, Bert’s crockpot… it’s gigantic.
JAMIE: Yeah, I’ve never seen one so big.
DAVID: (smirking at Bert) Very impressive, Mr. Viola. It’s enough to make even a well-equipped chef feel downright inadequate.
BERT: You flatter me, sir.
SIMMONS: Yeah, and the Caponata in there sure smells great.
AGNES: Well, I think it might be too heavy for that table. It looks like it’s going to collapse. Maybe we should move it to my desk.
O'NEILL (getting up, afraid that moving the crockpot will call attention to the window): Agnes, I don’t know. We had something else in mind for your desk.
AGNES: Like what?
JAMIE: I brought pastries for dessert.
SIMMONS: Yeah, and I can grab some doughnuts from the vending machine.
KRIS: Yeah, that’s a great idea.
AGNES: Now, you know those doughnuts are at least a season past their freshness date. Boy, I wish you’d all been this interested in contributing when I asked for help with the shopping.
O'NEILL: Well, we had to get things ready around here.
MACGILICUDDY (getting up): Wait a minute, Jamie. I’ll help with the dessert.
BERT: I’ll help. I’m great at arranging pastries.
MACGILICUDDY (disbelieving): You? Since when?
BERT: I hardly ever get a chance.
DAVID: Say, would whoever’s helping please just do it soon, before the steaks get cold?
BERT: Actually, MacGilicuddy, you help Jamie with dessert. I have to stir the Caponata.
MACGILICUDDY: Stir it?
O'NEILL: In the crockpot?
BERT: Well, of course! Where else would it be?
O'NEILL: I’ll help with the pastries, too.
INEZ: Count me in, too.
(MacGilicuddy, Jamie, O'Neill, and Inez head towards Maddie’s office, where they whisper among themselves.)
MACGILICUDDY (to Inez): Is your paint gonna hold up against the heat from Viola’s crockpot?
INEZ: I don’t know. That thing’s a monster.
O'NEILL: Great. Well, let’s get the pastries.
(Jamie unwraps a large tray of pastries, and all four of them needlessly grab a corner to “assist” her in transporting it to Agnes’ desk.)
*****
(The entire staff is seated with their steaks and side dishes, but the Wobblies are too busy staring at the window behind the crockpot, where the steam released earlier by Bert’s stirring has caused Inez’s paintjob to start running.)
DAVID: Will you Wobblies stop daydreaming? This meal is my way of thanking you all for working into the summer. Why aren’t you eating?
JAMIE: It’s just that everything is so good we want to make it last.
BERT: Well, there’s plenty of Caponata for seconds. Go on and help yourselves to some more.
(The Wobblies instead turn to aggressively devour what is on their plates in front of them. Bert heads for his crockpot and reopens it, unleashing another blast of steam upon the liquifying Blue Moon logo. It oozes ever farther down the glass in lengthening streaks. O'Neill starts eating faster while MacGilicuddy rushes to slam the lid on the Caponata.)
BERT: Hey, what’s the big idea, MacGilicuddy!?!
AGNES (getting up): Mr. Addison! (David takes notice.) Help!
(DAVID gets up and pushes the crockpot aside on the table) What the hell? (After a moment of consideration, he starts to sing) Moon river, wider than a mile…
BERT: Agnes, get a towel, would you please?
DAVID: I'm crossing you in style someday…
(The Wobblies resume eating their food normally and pretend not to notice.)
DAVID (no longer singing): You know, I don’t recall the logo ever running down the glass like this, even when the power went out for two days in the heat of summer last year!
BERT: Obviously, it’s just been repainted with inferior materials and hasn’t had time to dry.
DAVID: So... what happened to the old sign, and who painted the new one?
(The Wobblies continue eating, as if to avoid these questions.)
DAVID: I expect some answers, kids, after lunch.
*****
(MacGilicuddy approaches David in his office.)
MACGILICUDDY: Mr. Addison?
DAVID: Yes, MacGilicuddy?
MACGILICUDDY: I have something to tell you... something I should have told you right away. I know you’ve really been watching the budget lately, and, well... I broke the entrance window. The sign company was booked till next week, so Inez tried to help by repainting the logo. I’m sorry.
*****
(Next, one by one, the Wobblies admit guilt. The women confess to Bert, who sits nearby, and the men, who have no desire to treat Bert like an authority figure, talk to David. None of the Wobblies – aside from Bert - is aware that responsibility has already been claimed.)
KRIS (whispering to Bert, who sits in front of her): My heel broke on my way out to use the restroom, and I fell against the window. That’s how I broke the glass.
*****
SIMMONS (to David): I know I’m not supposed to play ball in the office, Mr. Addison, but I did it. I'm sorry.
*****
INEZ (to Bert, at the water cooler): I really tried to fix the damage I caused, but I should have just admitted it.
*****
JERGENSON (to David): I did it, Mr. Addison.
*****
JAMIE (to Bert, at her desk): I’m the one.
*****
(After all these confessions, Bert visits David in his office.)
BERT: Mr. Addison?
DAVID: Hmm.
BERT: Do you want to know something peculiar about the entrance window?
DAVID: Let me guess. You broke it?
BERT: Me, sir?
DAVID: Seems to be the trend.
(The scene fades out.)
*****
(The next scene has David and Bert further discussing the situation.)
DAVID: MacGilicuddy, Simmons, and Jergenson…
BERT: Kris, Inez, and Jamie…
DAVID: Both you and Agnes were clearly shocked by all of this, so of the seven remaining suspects, we have six confessions.
BERT: You know what I think, Mr. Addison?
(There’s a knock on the door.)
DAVID: It’s open. Come in!
(It’s Agnes.)
AGNES: Excuse me, can I interrupt you two for just a second?
DAVID: Sure, Agnes.
(She enters the office, and Bert shuts the door behind her.)
AGNES: I really should’ve said something sooner. Someone else must have replaced it, but, you see, I broke the glass.
DAVID: You?
AGNES: Yeah, clumsy me. I’ve got ten thumbs on each hand.
BERT: Now, come on, Agnes. You didn’t break that window.
AGNES (impatiently): Yes, I did. I was vacuuming up a spill from my desk yesterday, and I sort of tripped over the cord and hit the window. The blinds were closed, so I couldn't see what happened, but I'm sure I heard a crack.
BERT: Well, I'm certainly glad you weren't hurt.
DAVID: Agnes, I can't say I studied it top to bottom, but I didn't notice any cracks in the glass when I got here this morning.
AGNES: I should have looked at it right away, but then the phone rang, and I forgot all about it.
BERT: It’s awfully nice of you to own up to this.
AGNES: Well, I know that the logo is kinda special to Miss Hayes, and I didn’t want you to blame the others.
DAVID: Sorry Agnes, but I ain't buyin' what you're sellin'.
AGNES: Well, would you believe…
DAVID: Uh uh. It’s nice of you to try to protect the others, though.
BERT: What a selfless and noble gesture, my love.
AGNES: Okay, but I’ll go to my grave believing I was guilty. (She bumps her leg on the coffee table as she leaves) See?
(She leaves David's office, and David and Bert continue the discussion.)
BERT: Well, we still have six confessions.
DAVID: And seven suspects. And number seven is looking forward to a Vegas trip next week.
BERT: By Jove, Mr. Addison, you’ve deduced that O'Neill did it!
DAVID: Elementary, my dear Viola. The six who confessed are covering up for the seventh who didn’t.
DAVID: Right, and if O'Neill is guilty, then the other Wobblies are accessories to the crime.
BERT: Well, what are we gonna do about it, Mr. Addison?
DAVID: Why don’t we play along with their little game and punish everybody who confessed?
BERT (astonished): What? And allow O'Neill to get away with it?
DAVID: O'Neill’s not going to get away with it. His conscience won’t let him.
*****
(At the end of the day, the Wobblies all gather around Agnes' desk, eager as ever to go home but uncharacteristically remaining on-site. O'Neill is the last to join the group.)
O'NEILL: Does anybody know why Mr. Addison let Agnes cut out early but asked us to stick around?
JERGENSON: I do. He’s gonna tell everybody I broke the window. I confessed.
MACGILICUDDY: Oh, no.
JERGENSON: Well, somebody had to take the blame.
KRIS: I told Bert I did it.
INEZ: Me too.
JAMIE: Thud. (She drops back into her chair.)
SIMMONS: You too?
JERGENSON: I guess we all confessed.
O'NEILL: I didn’t.
MACGILICUDDY: You didn’t?
O'NEILL (angry): I wanted to in the first place, but you guys dreamed up this whole thing!
INEZ: O'Neill’s right. We’re as much to blame for this as he is.
JAMIE: (hearing footsteps approach): Shh, here they come.
KRIS: I think we’re all gonna get it now.
(David and Bert walk in.)
DAVID (to the Wobblies): I suppose you are all wondering why I called this meeting. Well… it seems that one of you broke the window, but six of you claimed you did it.
BERT: There appears to be a slight communication gap in this office.
DAVID: Look, no matter who broke it, the others of you who confessed are just as guilty for hiding the truth, and I’m afraid you’re all gonna have to be punished.
JAMIE: But when people admit their guilt, aren’t they supposed to get a lighter sentence?
DAVID: Well, that’s not up to me, Ms. Lamont.
MACGILICUDDY: What do you mean, Mr. Addison?
DAVID: In this case, your punishments are not going to be decided by me, or even the distinguished Mr. Viola.
BERT: They will be decided by a jury of one, your peer, O'Neill.
(O'Neill looks surprised.)
MACGILICUDDY: O'Neill?
SIMMONS: How come?
DAVID: Well, see now, he’s the only one who didn’t confess. Doesn’t it seem fairly obvious that he alone is innocent?
O'NEILL: I, I don’t think I’d make a very good jury.
BERT: We’ll be the judges of that.
DAVID: Now O'Neill, you tell us what you think your co-workers should get for punishments, and if it sounds reasonable, your word will be law.
O'NEILL: I’m not really qualified to make laws.
DAVID: You can start with the women.
(O'Neill pauses for a few minutes.)
O'NEILL: Wait, Mr. Addison. Would it be all right if I thought about it for a while?
DAVID: You want to sleep on it?
O'NEILL: Yes, please.
DAVID: Okay. You can make your recommendations in the morning. (To the others) In the meantime, this court is recessed till 0900 tomorrow, scat.
(The Wobblies all clear out for the night.)
DAVID: Good night.
*****
(In the hallway, followed by MacGilicuddy and Jergenson, O'Neill turns to Simmons.)
O'NEILL (morosely, to Simmons): I can’t do it, I can’t hand out punishments.
SIMMONS: Why not?
O'NEILL: Because it’s not fair. I’m the guy who busted the window.
MACGILICUDDY (stepping forward): Look, you kept it a secret this far, so just forget about it till you come back from your trip.
JERGENSON: Yeah, then you can blab all you like.
MACGILICUDDY: Don’t you want to go to Vegas?
O'NEILL: Do I? Real bad. But what’s gonna happen to you guys?
MACGILICUDDY: It’s up to you.
SIMMONS: Why don’t you ask Mr. Addison to give us time off for good behavior?
MACGILICUDDY: All you have to do is make the punishments easy.
O'NEILL: Like what?
MACGILICUDDY: I don’t know.
SIMMONS: Me neither, it’s kind of hard to punish myself.
O'NEILL: Hey, that’s it! You guys can think up your own punishments.
Thursday, July 7
(The next morning, O'Neill is at his desk when Jamie states her requested punishment.)
O'NEILL: Are you sure?
JAMIE: Yeah, I’ll help Agnes water the plants every morning for a week.
O'NEILL: Okay, who’s next?
JAMIE: Jergenson.
O'NEILL: Send him over.
JAMIE: Okay.
(She leaves, and Jergenson takes the seat O'Neill usually occupies alongside their shared desk.)
JERGENSON: I’ve got a great punishment for myself.
O'NEILL: Okay.
JERGENSON: You can have my parking space for a week.
O'NEILL: Seriously? My parking space is right next to yours.
JERGENSON: Yeah, but mine is closer to the elevator.
O'NEILL: By like five steps!
JERGENSON: Hey, every step counts, man, and I know you think about it. I’ve seen the way you look at my parking space.
O'NEILL: Do you really think I’m that petty?
JERGENSON: Do you accept this as my punishment or not?
O'NEILL (extends a hand for shaking): I accept.
*****
(Later, O'Neill is in David's office, informing David and Bert of the punishments.)
DAVID: So, Simmons is going to buy one of Inez's paintings?
(David and Bert look at O'Neill with suspicion.)
O'NEILL: Yes, and it's going to take her a whole week to make it.
BERT: Yes, well, painting or buying beautiful artwork and helping Agnes water plants… Don’t you think those punishments are a little bit lenient?
O'NEILL: What about Jergenson's parking space? You know how much it means to him.
BERT: O'Neill, your co-workers have done something wrong. We’re trying to discourage them from doing it again.
DAVID: I don’t think MacGilicuddy’s going to get the message if you sentence him to a night on the town with Kris. I mean…
O'NEILL: No, I guess not.
BERT: Well, I know the men are planning to go to a ballgame on Saturday. If I were you, I’d make MacGilicuddy skip it and polish my entire inventory of dress shoes instead.
O'NEILL: Excuse me… your shoes?
BERT: Absolutely.
(David sits back in amusement.)
BERT: In fact, they can all miss the game. Simmons can run some errands for me while Jergenson washes my car.
O'NEILL (upset): I told you I’d make a terrible jury.
BERT: And as for the ladies…
DAVID (interrupting): O'Neill, I think you’re going easy on them because they're your peers.
(Bert's head is momentarily elsewhere before he snaps back into reality.)
DAVID: Why don’t you give it some more thought, and this time, let the punishment fit the crime.
O'NEILL: Yeah, okay. (He starts to walk off.) I’ve got a lot of thinking to do.
BERT (quietly, after O'Neill has left): Mr. Addison, I think his conscience is getting to him.
DAVID: Yeah, if I know O'Neill, he’ll be ready to confess by the end of the day.
*****
(In the outer office, the Wobblies are going about their usual business.)
MACGILICUDDY: Come on, O'Neill. Help me proofread these case notes.
O'NEILL: MacGilicuddy.
MACGILICUDDY: What is it?
O'NEILL: Viola will be bringing in a bunch of his shoes tomorrow for you to polish on Saturday.
MACGILICUDDY: Huh?
O'NEILL: So they're ready for his dinner plans with Agnes that night. I guess he’s got a rare evening off from plant-sitting.
SIMMONS: Why can't he polish his own shoes?
O'NEILL: And Simmons, you'll need to run some errands for him on Saturday day, as well.
MACGILICUDDY: These aren’t the punishments we gave ourselves.
O'NEILL: I know, but Mr. Addison didn’t like your ideas, so Viola gave me some new ones.
MACGILICUDDY: But we’ll miss the ballgame.
O'NEILL: I know, I’m sorry. (He starts to get angry.) Look, I didn’t want to give out punishments. I wanted to confess. But you guys kept on saying “no, go to Vegas.” And now that you talked me into it, you’re mad at me.
MACGILICUDDY: I guess we did start it, and we’re not quitters.
SIMMONS: We’re not quitters.
*****
(Next, David is in his office, preparing to meet a client when Bert quietly enters.)
DAVID: You know, Bert. This morning, I was sure O'Neill would admit to breaking that window.
BERT: Uh huh…
DAVID: And tomorrow is Friday…. his last chance to fess up before he’s OOT in Vegas next week.
BERT: Well, it’s probably for the best. The others could benefit from offering me a little personal assistance.
DAVID: Yeah, well, I’ve been thinking of a new approach. Why don’t we reward him?
BERT (surprised): Reward O'Neill? For breaking the window?
DAVID: No, for being the only one who wasn’t involved. That ought to give his conscience a little nudge.
BERT: Well, I don’t know, Mr. Addison. Everyone is all lined up for their duties on Saturday. The women are going to clean my apartment, and…
DAVID: It’s elementary, Mr. Viola. Elementary.
BERT (reluctantly): Okay, okay. What do you think we ought to give him?
DAVID: Well, I know he plans on driving himself to the airport late Sunday. How about we get a limo to take him from here tomorrow morning instead? That way, he can have the whole weekend in Vegas on the company dime before the seminar. We'll all see him off, and anyone who wants to can chip in with me to personally fund… what happens in Vegas.
BERT: What happens in Vegas, sir?
DAVID: Mmm hmm.
BERT: Mr. Addison, that is inspiring!
DAVID: Inspiring?
BERT: Yes! The sooner we have him out of here, the sooner everyone else will be locked in for their Saturday chores.
(David just shakes his head.)
*****
(The next scene continues in David’s office, where he and Bert present the limo and extra days offer to O'Neill.)
O'NEILL: Well, the weekend in Las Vegas would be great, but I really don't want the limo.
BERT: Why not?
O'NEILL: It’s just me going, all by myself. I'd feel all alone in a limo.
DAVID (after a long pause): Well, how about we all join you for the ride to the airport and make it a real celebration, as part of your reward?
O'NEILL: Gee, Mr. Addison. I don’t need a reward, or to have everyone make a fuss.
DAVID: You were the only one who didn’t confess. We want you to really enjoy your Vegas trip.
O'NEILL: It’s an awful lot of money.
BERT: But you deserve it. We want you to have it.
O'NEILL: You do? Let me think it over a minute.
DAVID: Sure.
(O'Neill excuses himself to ponder.)
DAVID (quietly to Bert): I think he’s ready to spill.
BERT (with mixed feelings): This did it.
O'NEILL (wandering back in): Okay, I’ve made up my mind.
DAVID and BERT (in unison): Yes?
O'NEILL: I’ll take it.
(David and Bert both look shocked.)
*****
(That night, O'Neill tosses and turns in his sleep, plagued with nightmarish visions of the incident, with repeating flashbacks of his crashing into the window and echoes of Simmons reminding him, “Miss Hayes always says ‘don’t play all in the office’.”)
The guilt mounting within him, O'Neill is a tormented man.
Friday, July 8
(The next morning, the entire Blue Moon staff wears party hats, but none of them looks any happier than usual. MacGilicuddy pouts over the box of Bert's shoes on his desk, and an awareness that their collective Saturday will be spent doing chores for Bert is plain on everyone's faces. Bert shakes his head in disgust as he absorbs the contempt from their stares.)
BERT: Hey, everyone. Don't be so angry with me. You have no one to blame but yourselves for the punishments that await you.
(Their eyes shift subtly towards O'NEILL, who sinks a bit in his chair in response, but Bert is too wrapped up in his dialog to notice.)
BERT: You might, rather, choose to exhibit a modicum of gratitude to Mr. O'Neill and myself for the pending adventure in character-building that will no doubt benefit you far more in the long run than whatever trivialities you had planned for your respective Saturdays.
(MacGilicuddy, seething with rage, is about to burst when…)
DAVID (steps out of his office): Attention, troops… Our limo driver, Argyle, just called to report that he's about ten minutes out from our door. We should probably all head to the lobby.
(Punctuated by a few barely audible groans, the Wobblies' non-reaction is exactly as expected.)
DAVID (making his way along the row of desks): Ahhh, c'mon now, everyone. Cheer up, buckaroos! Turn those frowns upside down! This is supposed to be a celebration! We're sending our boy O'Neill here (he pats O'Neill on the back) off to sin city for what is certain to be a richly rewarding, if not financially profitable, experience.
(O'Neill tries to muster a smile but can't resist lowering his head in shame. Bert suddenly becomes nervous at the thought that O'Neill might crack.)
DAVID: Now rise to your feet, everyone. Let's support our esteemed colleague as he seeks to better himself… or better still, have someone else do it for him.
(The Wobblies reluctantly stand as David continues to focus on O'Neill.)
DAVID: Come on, O'Neill. You’ve got everything packed and ready to go?
O'NEILL: Yeah. (He grabs the handle of the suitcase on the floor behind him and lifts it as he stands up.)
DAVID: Splendid! And here… (David reaches into his pocket and brings forth an obnoxiously thick stack of one-dollar bills.) …is a little fun fund we all collected to help cover… or uncover… any not-so-incidentals.
O'NEILL (nervously accepting the wad of cash that David insists on handing him): Ugh… thank you, Mr. Addison. (He then turns and looks at everyone else, one by one.) Thanks… everyone.
(Everyone gathers, and the group makes its way towards the exit. David notices the intensifying expression of guilt on O'Neill's face… not to mention the near-panic on Bert's. As they find themselves at the Blue Moon window, O'Neill stops and looks at the now dried and thoroughly ruined logo. He turns to his co-workers and sees the despair in their eyes. Inez, in particular, seems particularly saddened by the sight of her once glorious handiwork.)
O'NEILL (starting to move again before suddenly stopping in his tracks): Wait. Stop, everyone. (He turns to David.) I can’t go, Mr. Addison. It’s my fault. I broke the window. I should have told you. I really meant to, but it was the Vegas trip that I really wanted.
DAVID (showing warmth and relief with his trademark smirk): It’s okay. It’s okay.
O'NEILL: Everyone really stepped up to cover for me, and Inez did such a wonderful job with the logo…
(Inez steps forward and hugs him. The phone rings, and Agnes reaches over her desk to answer it.)
AGNES: The limo driver is here.
O'NEILL: I better tell him I can’t make it. What reason shall I give him?
DAVID: The truth, O'Neill. Just tell him the truth.
O'NEILL: Yeah, the truth.
(David's continuing expression of relief outshines a newly appearing hint of disappointment as O'Neill moves to cancel. The Wobblies proudly look on for a moment before Bert suddenly intervenes.)
BERT: Hey, why don't we keep the limo and ride along with O'Neill to the airport, anyway? His arrangements for the weekend are already made, and we can all celebrate the Saturday ahead… when we'll each do whatever we like… since this adventure in character-building seems to have concluded successfully.
(Everyone is stunned momentarily by Bert’s sudden change of heart. O'Neill turns to David for approval and gets the smile and nod he was hoping for.)
O'NEILL (taking and speaking into the phone): Argyle? We'll be right down.
(Everyone cheers as they make their way out through the door. The camera pans toward and zooms slowly in upon the ruined "Blue Moon Investigations" logo before fading into black.)
Friday, July 15, 1988
(The words "One week later…" appear onscreen as the scene opens on a brand new - as of Wednesday - professionally installed "Blue Moon" logo – with "INVESTIGATIONS" in a different font. Cut to David's office, where he stands at his desk, preparing to load a stack of books and a calendar into a brown, cardboard box for shipping. He hears a knock on his door.)
DAVID: C’mon in!
O'NEILL (approaching David’s desk): Good morning, Mr. Addison.
DAVID: Welcome back, O'Neill! I didn't expect to see you again till Monday.
O'NEILL: Well, it was just a 3-day seminar, and none of the gambling in Vegas was half as interesting as the "will Agnes move in with Bert" betting pool going on here.
DAVID: And what's the verdict on that?
O'NEILL: We'll find out later today when Viola gets in. MacGilicuddy wants to hear it straight from him.
DAVID: Well, if you're here looking for my advice, I'll just tell you my money's on love. (Then, clearing his throat…) So, anyway… the seminar and gambling aside, did you find Vegas to be… in any other way… educational?
O'NEILL: I have to admit I indulged a bit in one of its, shall we say… (puts up air quotes) "extra-curricular" offerings. I did learn a thing or two, but unfortunately, not everything stayed in Vegas. I’ll need Monday morning off for a doctor’s appointment and trip to the pharmacy.
DAVID: Way to stay on top of it, O'Neill. Nothing too serious, I hope.
O'NEILL: Nah, with proper care, it should clear up in a few weeks. So, what are you up to?
DAVID: Just shipping off some baby books for Miss Hayes, to help her keep up with all of my recent education.
O'NEILL: That’s nice… and maybe perfect timing for me. I actually came in here to see if you have her current mailing address. Would you mind if I just throw a little something extra into the bottom of that box instead?
DAVID: Not at all, my good man. Did you pick up a souvenir for the boss lady?
O'NEILL: Oh, no. I just need to send a letter I wrote her explaining how I broke the window. I’m including a photo I took of the new one, so she can see the new signage.
DAVID: That is very repentant of you, O'Neill, but is confession really necessary? Isn’t the souvenir you picked up for yourself punishment enough?
O'NEILL: The writers are making me do this. Apparently, Miss Hayes’ reading about the damage will inspire a dream sequence in a future episode about the entire front office being destroyed, and that dream sequence will feature the new signage, which she could only envision if she sees the photo.
(O'Neill pulls an envelope from his jacket's inside pocket and drops it into the box. David lowers his stack of books on top of it.)
DAVID: Sounds like you’ve seen the script I’ve only been given a few pages of.
O'NEILL: Yeah. The only thing it won’t explain is a bit of cut footage from an earlier episode with the old sign that they plan to edit in when she actually returns to the office.
DAVID: Well, we’re not miracle workers, O'Neill. We just do the best we can with what we’re given.
O'NEILL: You are so right, Mr. Addison. Well, thanks for letting my letter hitch a ride.
DAVID: Anytime, my friend. Anytime.
(O'Neill moves to leave David’s office before David calls back his attention.)
DAVID: Hey, so… speaking of what we’re given… have you, by chance, seen a more complete version of that script? I’d like to know if anything significant happens either before or after Miss Hayes gets back, and I feel like they’re holding out on me.
O'NEILL: Nah, nobody’s seen anything beyond the handful of pages I’ve got. Rumor has it they’re going for some sort of Empire Strikes Back-style, gut-punch revelation.
DAVID (shaking his head): Wonderful. What are they up to now? (and then, as if trying to amuse not just O'Neill, but also himself) You think they’re going to reveal that you and Jergenson are conjoined twins who were almost separated at birth?
O'NEILL (chuckles): I’d be okay with that. God knows they could do a lot worse.
DAVID (looking down in a moment of contemplation): Yeah, ain’t that the truth.
(A moment of silence passes.)
O'NEILL: Keep betting on love, Mr. Addison. (O'Neill smiles before turning to leave David’s office.)
DAVID: I’ll do that, O'Neill. Thank you.
(O'Neill nods, steps out, and then closes the door softly behind him. David pulls a roll of tape from his top, right desk drawer and proceeds to seal the box for delivery.)
THE END
